Why I think men don’t go to therapy

The lack of men in therapy might stem from the fact that we often don’t equip therapists with the necessary skills to address their unique needs during their training. Criticizing men for not being sensitive enough while simultaneously neglecting their mental health needs contributes to stigmatization. Do I think men need to go to therapy? Yeah! Do I think it is easy? No! As a male therapist, I know a few things about the experience of being a man and being a trained therapist. Let me explain why men don’t go to therapy and how I approach things.

We don’t want to talk about our feelings.

It’s uncomfortable, it’s embarrassing and yes, it feels threatening to our masculinity. So, those who believe men should readily ‘bare their souls to a professional’ are sadly holding a mistaken belief. Men don’t do this! They talk about their feelings through humor, venting, self-reflection, contemplation and problem-solving. It’s a language that isn’t taught and has no lexicon. I can appreciate this language with my male clients. I am trained well enough to know that something is sinking in or helping my client without spreading a bunch of adjectives on the table like dominoes. Not until my client fully trusts me will they talk about their thoughts out loud.

We have trust issues.

Male trust issues have been around since the dawn of time. Trust was once built on experiences of war, loyalty, duty and the need to protect. Today, we call this the foundation of male-gendered norms of masculinity and there is nothing wrong with that. Maybe we don’t ride off into the night to fight for our King, but we sure as heck respect integrity, loyalty and truth when it comes to sharing any resemblance of a struggle to a therapist.

One of the most common concerns I hear from men in my office is that they don’t want a therapist who is going to make them talk about anything they don’t want to talk about. While no therapist will make you talk, trusting that the therapist won’t use some form of crafty therapeutic manipulation to corner a client into sharing something they aren’t ready to share is a huge concern of my male clients.

We don’t want to be blamed for everything.

My male clients have told me they didn’t like their previous therapist because they felt they were being blamed for everything happening (with some exaggeration). This is a real problem in therapy for many people, but I think it hits the core of masculinity if handled incorrectly.

When men realize they are at fault for something, it strikes the core of their inner strength and no amount of “validation” or “acceptance” will be louder than the inner voice of weakness. For example, when I sit with my male clients, I respect this struggle. I may not agree with it and I might feel like it’s helpful to have vulnerability, but epiphanies of wrongdoing are to be dealt with strategically.

Men don’t want to make amends as much as they want to make it right (see honor above). In reality, men want to fix the problems, so I help make the building plans and figure out what is needed to “get this project off the ground.”

We get confused with the language of therapy.

This is a big one for me. Transparency with my clients about my approach to therapy and why I do what I do is important in my practice. I think men typically like to know how things work, and if I can’t explain why I am doing something, I am introducing distrust with my client (See point #2 above).

I hear men say things like, “I have no idea how going to therapy would help,” or “What does therapy even do for someone?” or the infamous “I can handle this on my own.” These are invitations to talk shop. I like to get in there and talk about the nuts and bolts of why we approach therapy in various ways. How therapy works can be weird, but once we begin to understand its functionality, we learn to use it as a tool for a more fulfilling life.